Death by Impalement

How do I forgive my husband?

I can see that I’m getting closer to forgiveness because I can examine situations that illustrate perfectly his complete inability to take my needs seriously, to hear what I’m saying, and to be willing to discuss important issues in spite of his own discomfort.

My GOD have I been uncomfortable. Sometimes completely traumatized. And completely ignored, iced out, dismissed. It is baffling. But don’t even make HIM slightly uncomfortable. There will be hell to pay. How does he get away with it? Why are his needs more important? Why does he get to decide what/who matters? Why does everyone else come before me?

Why does it hurt so bad? I am completely powerless over this. I am expected to swallow discomfort, indignation, fear, worry, anger, and sadness. And I can be blamed and punished for stirring that up in anyone else.

If I’m feeling a little blue and I don’t go in and greet his mother, he will attack and shame me. He should be saying. “Oh, you seem a little down. You wanna come in or just stay in the car?” A hug would follow this.

My dad verbally abuses me and has zero respect for my wishes or my communication. I am hurt. My husband just sits there. I don’t matter. But my dad will actually listen to my husband, will respect whatever he says. ???

Im crazy/disregarded when I’m expressing strong emotion. When my husband is expressing strong emotion, I am blamed or bulldozed. It is a huge double standard that has confused me for eons.

What the heck am I here for? Why was I created, since my experiences, wants, needs, opinions, and voice are all dismissed and sidestepped? How can I possibly trust these people? How can I possibly reach a healthy state of being and feel connected? I am responding to a dysfunctional environment in a normal way, and my husband is pouting because what he wants isn’t being delivered on a silver platter.

We actually discussed all this. He is great at dodging things, though. I can say. “It seems like you believe the worst about my motives and often assign negative meaning to things I say even when I’m trying really hard to be clear and positive.” I can say that 1100 times and he will say at the end, “I guess I don’t understand what you are saying.”

Yeah, I guess I better learn to not repay that evil with similar evil. Like, “Oh, you wanted me to do it THAT way? I just don’t understand.”

I’m impaled on the spike of his indifference and it’s making it hard for me to function. I’m dying. But no, I’m just a whiner. My pain isn’t real and I couldn’t possibly be seen as a separate and equally worthy PERSON.

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