He is My Shepherd; I am a Sheepbitch

It’s the way I feel humiliated, duped, manipulated. That struggle of reminding myself that I must not let down my guard, that it is not safe to trust. Last night, he subtly and adeptly did what I consider to be one of his fortes: he maneuvered me into initiating a dialogue about something that he has privately told me was important to him. He maneuvered me into broaching the topic while our son was present, and it involves our son. I feel like his mouthpiece.

I lay on the couch last night crying and allowing myself to feel the pain. This is a constant pain. This a frequent occurrence. How is he so good at it??? He catches me off guard, usually in a happy moment, when I might be sharing, trusting, and being vulnerable. Sometimes in a fearful or hurt moment, when I am sharing, trusting, and being vulnerable.

I don’t look at him the same way anymore. I have no clue what he is up to, why he lies so often, what he’s hiding from, or how I’m going to finally develop the know-how to keep my guard up.

Who is doing your dirty-work? If you are passive, you can manipulate people into doing things for you. You don’t have to own up to anything, nor do you have to risk rejection or being vulnerable. You can come off like this really nice, charming, well-mannered person. And a passive aggressive husband can be skillful at not only getting his wife to initiate everything, but he can also look like some beleaguered teddy bear when she ACTUALLY EXPRESSES FEELINGS AND NEEDS OF HER OWN HOW DARE SHE.

I live with the enemy. He is a secretive, manipulative, passive, untrusting, “tired”, hostile, sarcastic enemy. And I blog here as an outlet, because attempting to discuss any of my concerns or observations with him either results in his starting a sullen argument or starting a cold war.

It reminds me of when my dad was talking to me like a pos and I told him I didn’t like how he was talking to me and that it made me feel bad, and he said he didn’t like how I was talking to him. People don’t like the discomfort of self-examination, but instead of getting over it, manipulators attack those whose boundaries they violate.

Im still in shock that I can absolutely NEVER let my guard down. Why did it take this many years for the lesson to sink in? What on earth does he get out of manipulating me, ignoring me, and punishing me?

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