God Slays, But You Blame the Pussy

I keep reading the Bible. Started with Genesis recently, where there are two instances of men hiding their sin: naked Adam and murdering Cain. Instead of seeking God, both run away. When faced with the ultimate authority, neither one confesses, asks forgiveness, and repents. 

Where is Abel? Am I my brother’s keeper? That tactic of avoidance is one I am accustomed to being dismissed with. I’m also used to the one Adam used: Well, you she started it! I would have behaved with integrity but someone else prevented me!

And Judah. Judah who raised wicked sons. Judah who lived in a culture that was ok with prostitution. Judah who felt like screwing some “harlot” by the wayside (who by the way had covered herself with a veil) but was ready to burn Tamar when someone told him she had also been fornicating. 

The Bible is full of examples of men so busy betraying women and holding women to a higher moral standard that these men never stop and look at themselves. As a man, you should really ask yourself, “Am I like Cain? Am I haughty like Lamech, a polygamous bully? Am I deceitful and whorish like Judah? Would I send my own daughters out to a rapey crowd like Lot?” The truth is, these men did wrong and we suffer today for it.

Men continue to opt out of holding one another accountable. And instead of loving women, they use and destroy them. And have no mercy. God always shows mercy, but men do not. Men behave as though they were above God’s law.

Fear Not, For I Am With You

Fear. I wonder how many others out there fear their spouse? I finally don’t feel intimidated most of the time. I finally feel detached and I look at my husband and I see a bewildered, angry person. A bewildered, angry, easily-offended person who, instead of discussing things, chooses stonewalling and petty acts of revenge when I offend him.

I have feared him, as I fear all men, our entire marriage. I know how to act: fake an interest, cater to men, ignore their abuse, walk on eggshells. Don’t bother them with my emotions, nor have a thought/opinion of my own. Don’t expect them to listen to me. I have felt fear and guilt my entire marriage. I have spent years apologizing, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and being afraid of the chaos his spite creates.

And today, I looked at him and saw a very unkind man. Standing in front of me was simply a man incapable of being kind to me. And I don’t care because it’s not my problem.

I don’t want him to control and manipulate me anymore. I don’t want to be afraid. Afraid always of his displeasure, his double standards, his hypocrisy. Afraid of his punitive behavior, his contempt, his sneering, his lies and inability to avoid hard core porn.

So, that’s who I married. I agreed to marry a dishonest, resentful, bitter, unforgiving man. And I don’t care anymore. His unkindness is his problem and I owe him nothing. I owe myself love and the exercise of forgiving and the act of letting go. I owe that to me. I owe myself this detachment and this objective look at his unkindness, his impatience, his intimidation tactics, and his lies.

How did men get this bad? Prideful, murderous, and blaming from the beginning. Hard hearted, greedy, and lustful. Impassive, hateful, and ungodly. Not a single one follows Jesus’s example. Not one. We are “overruled” by toddlers. They are selfish, abusive toddlers whose only desire is self-gratification thinly veneered with “a good work ethic” and “a nice image.” It is an illusion best not questioned, because to question a man is to invite abuse. Might as well ask a toddler why he isn’t driving a car yet. He doesn’t know and doesn’t care. And if you try to show him how, he will be very frustrated. However, he wants you to be immensely and eternally satisfied with his block towers, tantrums, and neediness. A wife’s needs, like those of a toddler’s mother, do not enter his mind.

I do hate the pettiness and I am disappointed in myself for marrying him. I hope he can rest well and eat healthy and relax when not at work. I myself plan to go on about my business, less scared and freer to admit to my husband YOUR UNKINDNESS IS NOT MY PROBLEM. YOUR PETTY REVENGE IS PATHETIC. I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING, YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE. Cuz I don’t care and nothing is important to me anymore. Nothing matters. I don’t need anything and I don’t feel afraid. I don’t care if he wrecks our car while driving, if he continually does stuff to irritate me, or if he spends his life whacking off to porn and never setting dignified boundaries for our child. I can’t control it and I’m not responsible for his behavior.

Wonder where this holy matrimony will lead? I’m curious. It could get worse or better. It could stay the same, but in different ways. It’s very interesting. Jinkies!

Third Wheelin’ (maybe fourth)

I am married to at least 2 people. I did not agree to this; I would prefer to be monogamous. I have for spouse #1 a man, who has abandonment issues, struggles with shame, an inability to tell the truth, and a sweet heart. Spouse #2 is His Pride, an invisible entity who is easily provoked, impatient, hypersensitive, and determined to emotionally destroy me. I’m pretty sure the third spouse is Lust, who makes sure my husband never sees me as a human being and coheir to the throne of grace.

Everywhere I accompany these “spouses” I feel left out, like a third wheel. They take precedence over my needs, are oblivious to my feelings, and have important things to do to maintain their “image.”

Pride tells my husband not to communicate. Not to share or be vulnerable. Pride convinces him he can lie to me and cavalierly deny it and lash out at me if he’s caught. Pride tells him he doesn’t have to take me seriously, and that he’s not responsible for protecting me when I face cruelty from people around us. Every day, my husband and Pride get up together, go to work, and come home. Together, they are always right and I am wrong.

Lust seems to tell my husband he has every right to use me for his pleasure. Or to use porn. Pride tells him it’s his business and he can lash out about it if questioned or whine that he doesn’t feel “wanted” so he must watch others FORNICATE.

Anyway, I married a man, his pride, and his lust. This is a crowded house. Still trying to figure out how to keep from being destroyed.