Fear Not, For I Am With You

Fear. I wonder how many others out there fear their spouse? I finally don’t feel intimidated most of the time. I finally feel detached and I look at my husband and I see a bewildered, angry person. A bewildered, angry, easily-offended person who, instead of discussing things, chooses stonewalling and petty acts of revenge when I offend him.

I have feared him, as I fear all men, our entire marriage. I know how to act: fake an interest, cater to men, ignore their abuse, walk on eggshells. Don’t bother them with my emotions, nor have a thought/opinion of my own. Don’t expect them to listen to me. I have felt fear and guilt my entire marriage. I have spent years apologizing, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and being afraid of the chaos his spite creates.

And today, I looked at him and saw a very unkind man. Standing in front of me was simply a man incapable of being kind to me. And I don’t care because it’s not my problem.

I don’t want him to control and manipulate me anymore. I don’t want to be afraid. Afraid always of his displeasure, his double standards, his hypocrisy. Afraid of his punitive behavior, his contempt, his sneering, his lies and inability to avoid hard core porn.

So, that’s who I married. I agreed to marry a dishonest, resentful, bitter, unforgiving man. And I don’t care anymore. His unkindness is his problem and I owe him nothing. I owe myself love and the exercise of forgiving and the act of letting go. I owe that to me. I owe myself this detachment and this objective look at his unkindness, his impatience, his intimidation tactics, and his lies.

How did men get this bad? Prideful, murderous, and blaming from the beginning. Hard hearted, greedy, and lustful. Impassive, hateful, and ungodly. Not a single one follows Jesus’s example. Not one. We are “overruled” by toddlers. They are selfish, abusive toddlers whose only desire is self-gratification thinly veneered with “a good work ethic” and “a nice image.” It is an illusion best not questioned, because to question a man is to invite abuse. Might as well ask a toddler why he isn’t driving a car yet. He doesn’t know and doesn’t care. And if you try to show him how, he will be very frustrated. However, he wants you to be immensely and eternally satisfied with his block towers, tantrums, and neediness. A wife’s needs, like those of a toddler’s mother, do not enter his mind.

I do hate the pettiness and I am disappointed in myself for marrying him. I hope he can rest well and eat healthy and relax when not at work. I myself plan to go on about my business, less scared and freer to admit to my husband YOUR UNKINDNESS IS NOT MY PROBLEM. YOUR PETTY REVENGE IS PATHETIC. I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING, YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE. Cuz I don’t care and nothing is important to me anymore. Nothing matters. I don’t need anything and I don’t feel afraid. I don’t care if he wrecks our car while driving, if he continually does stuff to irritate me, or if he spends his life whacking off to porn and never setting dignified boundaries for our child. I can’t control it and I’m not responsible for his behavior.

Wonder where this holy matrimony will lead? I’m curious. It could get worse or better. It could stay the same, but in different ways. It’s very interesting. Jinkies!

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