Tag Archives: husband

Watching and Waiting for the Next Attack

My husband’s entire family is passive aggressive. I can tell when he has had contact with them because he comes home very sad. He seems to be in a daze and has difficulty understanding speech and behavior. He also seems angry and hostile and as though he has a desperate need to piss someone off by being clueless and saccharin.

To me, passive aggression is mainly a pattern of behavior resulting from a lack of insight into one’s own emotions, and especially a squelching of anger that has become habitual. The passive aggressive expresses anger through revenge only. That’s why it is hard to be married to a PA. A PA will sabotage the entire crew and let the ship go down simply because he does not address his own disappointments and anger and sadness.

Was Adam passive aggressive in the garden of Eden? He seems so. He does a good job of passing the buck to God, and has refused to love women ever since. I think we have paid the price by now, though, and all you Adams could try loving us instead of continuing to exact revenge.

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Made to Worship

Here it is June 2014 and I still fear my husband’s unkindness. His entitlement. His pouting. His lies and manipulation. To top it off, I just read a blog entry by a woman whose father severely sexually abused her, and she hates her mom for it and is worried about how her rapist is coping. 

My desire to placate the implacable and to accept the unacceptable in men recently died. When I read stories about women who cater to their abusers, and when I meet women who are unkind to other women but who feel sorry for fathers who disgustingly use their own small daughters, I lose hope that Christ can ever help us. 

What is it that men do to us that keeps us coming back for more abuse, while we abandon ourselves and our sisters and mothers and friends? I don’t care if my abusers can cope. I don’t want a relationship with a relative who used me for sex. Every time I even remotely harm a man’s perception of himself, I receive a punishment that far outweighs the crime.

Things that hurt men:

Being held accountable

Not being catered to

Not being the center of attention

Not being instantly trusted

Being asked to consider my perspective

Being asked to respect my boundaries

Finding that their unkindness displeases me

Hearing about my experiences of abuse from men

 

Things that harm me:

The knowledge that my needs don’t matter

Knowing that if I were drunk, my husband would “take” whatever sexual pleasure he wants from me

Being treated badly by male strangers who feel entitled to my time and attention

Being overlooked and dismissed and being called a bitch if it even remotely bothers me

Dwelling too much on the negative 😜

 

So, yeah. I had a man recently treat me with kindness and gentleness that seemed genuine and not calculated to get an ego stroke, make me look bad, or lure me into his bedroom. I know this is why women followed Jesus everywhere; this is why I cling to Christ. He obeys God’s commands and He treats me as a precious and beloved daughter.

That man who was kind – I was ready to wash his feet with my tears, and he isn’t even Christ!

Peace out

Do You Have a License For That Brain?

I tried to pass a piece of advice along to my husband. The way he sometimes does to me. The way this works is that I listen to his perspective, sum it up, and store it away for future reference. Because I respect and value my husband and I know I sometimes need an outside view point.

He doesn’t tend to receive mine well. It’s almost as though he thinks I’m stupid, inept, couldn’t possibly be of any help, and cannot be worthy of respect. As though I were the enemy. What on earth made him choose to share a life with me and conceive and raise a child with me?

His problem today was that Mr. Buttons wanted attention and was starting to be a bit naughty because the child doesn’t know yet how to ask for attention. So I told my husband what was going on. They went outside to trim bushes. The husband overloaded the child with micromanaging instructions and neglected to encourage the child. They fought, and the husband came inside angry. After a little while, I suggested to the husband that he simply encourage the kid to try and praise him and not worry about how the bush turns out. Husband began to argue; I said I didn’t come out here to argue. I’m simply offering you advice the same way you help me sometimes. Husband was pouty and seemed to want to show off how good he was with the clippers. 

I believe God’s giving us the ability to conceive and raise children is not taken seriously enough. People argue about gun-control and abortion, but the greatest weapon of all is a brain.

Such a Time as This, Little Piggies

There’s a movie called About Time. It has Rachel McAdams (a superb actor) and Domhnall Gleeson (also superb). It has been a blessing of a movie to my family. Not that we let Mr. Buttons view it, but he has been indirectly blessed.

Things are slowly improving. My husband and I are revisiting old issues. God is introducing me to wonderful tools. Pride is dying its death stubbornly. 

I’m not stupid. And I won’t apologize for having feelings or for noticing the sullen pouting, the stiff pride, and the dissembling that is used against me. What’s the point in being married if we cannot be friends? Why would any man take a wife is she is to be treated as the enemy? An enemy appliance expected to perform duties sans emotion, passively, lifelessly, and pounded when her buttons are worn out. 

Where on earth is all this shoddy family programming coming from?

Well, the last week has been pleasant. Yard work, playing with the kid, reading the parts of Hermia and Theseus out loud at the table. Pretty good stuff. And the riddle of passive aggression everywhere, people who feed on your guilt, who excel at subterfuge and lying, and who have no idea what it means to feel and be vulnerable and empathetic. More a riddle than a trial lately, maybe.

Your Father Needs You to Respect Him

I hate to do this, but I can’t see any other way. I watch my 9-year-old run over his father daily. My husband won’t stand up for himself. He never seems hurt or angry; he just takes whatever our selfish, headstrong son dishes out. I’m going to have to tell my son that his father will not ever be able to make and enforce rules, will not be able to connect emotionally, is just tired and broken and disengaged. Putting that so a child can understand? Telling a child he will have to choose to treat his own father better because his father will never ask for it?

My husband gives the kid everything he wants. If our son is upset or whiny, my husband disengages and withdraws. Our son pushes him around as though he were the lord of this house and my husband an indentured servant. I cannot hold this family together. I cannot convince my husband to take an interest.

Wish me luck. I am mature enough to behave respectfully and not run over a weak man; but a 9-year-old needs advice.

Swimming Lessons

It’s time for those April raindrops. Easter always means rain; must be the moon.

Everything here with PA hubby is the same. He can’t understand anything I say. He knows what angers me and spends a lot of time stirring that up and then acting clueless if I seem irritated. I mostly just behave very calmly and wait until he’s gone to feel and express the anger.

I deal with other PAs too. I usually don’t know they got me under hours later. Sneaky motherfucking SOBs the PAs are. It’s like a sports injury whose pain sets in later; it seemed minor at first, but I can’t use my knee very well for a few weeks. I actually hurt my knee doing squats and it took 3 weeks to heal. That’s what a PA jab can do to me.

I practiced being PA. I picked up tons of cool PA skills. I slipped into some satisfying habits. It’s like wearing scuba gear. To be PA is to be in an environment that does not support life. The passive aggression allows me to regulate my anger. It gives me a sense of control because I am interacting with someone who cannot be trusted. I have slowly come out of it, but I’m keeping some of the survival skills I picked up.

The night I realized how dangerous passive aggression is was the night I knew I could never be heard, that I was full of anger and resentment and had to get his attention by looking for something bad to do, even if it hurt us all. That’s when I pulled out of it, and since then I understand him better. It felt like I was drowning. If he feels like that, he may slowly and politely destroy us. Oh well.

There are worse things. Like TV nowadays.

This Is Not What I Owe

My husband is ignoring me again. He always wins because I am weaker when it comes to being disconnected. I offended him with something I said, and even though I apologized and said I was NOT being critical (I really wasn’t), he turned it back on me and just sat down to veg out on YouTube. Normally, I would keep trying to talk it out, but I’m so embarrassed to be that needy. He obviously doesn’t need me that much and will just come looking for me when he does feel interested.

But if I ignore him back, he will double up on ignoring me until I break from the ice of his silent treatment. I swear I hate him. I hate being married to him. I hate it.

Why does he not initiate anything? Why doesn’t he bring things up that bother him? He waits until I have something to discuss and then changes the topic to his own grievance. And if I leave this unresolved, I will suffer because I actually care and he will continue on in stony silence.

He returned the electric bill. To the mail carrier. I laughed.

Should I go in there and reengage with him? Our marriage is dead. He thinks I’m evil. I don’t know what to do.