The Whipping Girl

I have heard fundamentalist Christians refer to something called “the Jezebel spirit.”. One time I read a comment on a Nicki Minaj YouTube video in which a man claimed she had a “Jezebel spirit.”. Growing up as a Southern Baptist, I’m accustomed to men using such shaming tactics to scare women and to keep us from ever questioning them or their supposedly divine right to rule.

I don’t believe in “spirits” in this manner. I do think, though, that the bible provides examples we shouldn’t follow. I think it’s time men stopped this petulant finger-pointing and took a look at themselves, starting with men of the bible who set bad examples.

If there is a “Jezebel spirit”, then most certainly there is a “Cain spirit” and a “Lamech spirit” and a “Judah spirit”. Judging by the behavior of men today, they haven’t changed much since Lamech and Judah lived.

Have a look at Lamech. Arrogant, boastful, violent, a bully in need of a feminine audience for his bragging. A murderer and driven by lust and ambition. What would I do if I were married to a man like that? What could I do? He was obviously not a loving, patient, compassionate man.

Judah raised wicked sons whom God killed. He had contempt for his daughter-in-law, Tamar, and disobeyed God and withheld from her his son Shelah. He lied to her, passive-aggressively promising what he knew he would not deliver. And he felt comfortable visiting a prostitute, and had no righteous friends to direct him to the right path in his behavior. Love does not dishonor others, and love demands that we hold one another accountable.

Men today are the same. They don’t hold each other accountable. They don’t treat their wives as coheirs to the throne of grace. They resist being questioned and do not care how they affect their families. They are ruled by lust and pride, but refuse to admit and repent of such things.

My husband is is impatient and vindictive when his pride is wounded, even though “love is not proud” and he says he is a Christian. My husband relies on sexual release as his sovereign right instead of relying on God. In place of tenderly loving us, listening to us, and being honest about his intentions and feelings, he stonewalls and ignores us and behaves much like Lamech and Judah. He behaves as though his law is higher than God’s and as though I am not worth being honored. He is patronizing and condescending, and I find it painful.

What would Lamech have accomplished if he had used his masculine energy to patiently teach other boys and men? What good could he have accomplished if he had been tender-hearted? How would Judah’s sons have responded if their father had sided with God for Tamar? God does not hold women in contempt. He designed us and placed us here, and we have a purpose to fulfill.

It is painful when my ego is wounded. I am embarrassed when people disrespect me. I want to be heard. I hate when I do wrong and God convicts me of it. It is hard to live up to my word. I have been blessed to have men force me to deal with these things. I have been blessed to have my shortcomings constantly pointed out. I have yearned for praise, even knowing that is a wrong desire. I believe it is time men turned the whip of exhortation on themselves and each other, because this whipping girl is fucking worn out.

 

 

 

 

 

Toothless Breaks Free and Challenges the Alpha… Or, Fuck the Patriarchy

Tonight we saw HTTYD2. Fantastic. Hit me right in the feels. The villain, per usual, gained his minions (a word that now actually has positive connotations because DM) and army through intimidation and abuse. Kinda like marriage nowadays.

Does the average husband even care if his wife truly trusts and believes in him? Does the average husband care about anything beyond her surface behavior? My husband really isn’t interested in how he affects me. He doesn’t want to hear how I feel. Anything I say or do can quickly be interpreted as an attack or a judgment on him. I find myself faking it a lot.

Yes, faking it. I can feel scared or uncertain, but he doesn’t want to hear that. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I prevent his pride from suffering, cause him minimal discomfort, and take it easy on his poor sense of self. If I tell him I feel threatened, he says it’s like I’m telling him there’s something “wrong” with him. 

So I fake like I’m happy when I’m not. I’m sit with uncomfortable feelings and ask fewer questions and communicate less because I never know what innocuous thing might send him into a hateful pout. 

Would it matter to you if your wife truly enjoyed you? Or do you purchase her gratifying behavior through a series of calculated manipulations to keep her off-balance, afraid, frustrated, insecure? Is she your mindless, dutiful minion, unable to be herself because parts of who she is threaten you? 

I am not “mindless” about it, but it seems like a ridiculous way to go through life. I basically figure out how to keep from upsetting him anymore and ignore him when he pouts and avoid caring about anything much. This way, very little can be used against me. He still tries to blame me for his own difficulties.

Does my husband live with this kind of unease? He doesn’t seem concerned about upsetting me; he rather likes to anger me. He doesn’t seem to be vulnerable to worrying if I’m displeased with him or if he should modify any behaviors to contribute to harmony at home. 

I do think he’s faking it. I think his behaviors are a facade to prevent any kind of vulnerability or emotional intimacy from happening. I think that’s what threatens him. He prefers control. And while he’s no Bloodfist, I must confess that I’m highly disappointed that he has neither the courage nor the desire to earn my loyalty. Whether I am true means nothing to him. 

I cannot be continually dismissed, shut out, leered at, lied to, toyed with, scorned, blamed, and teased and present a very convincing act. Act as if I enjoy being devalued? No. The most I can do is not murder anyone.

I Married a Plant

My husband works a lot. I only work part-time, now. Sometimes my son asks when I will go back to full-time because he misses his friends in evening care, where they used to do homework and then just play! Only child.

My mother never worked outside the home. She was a constant presence in the home. When she and my father were together, we lived on a small farm and life was orderly and they did chores. They divorced when I was three, and then everything went to hell. I have no memories of them as loving one another and I cannot fathom WHY THEY MARRIED.

I married my husband because he is a nice guy. Also, he reminds me of me.

I do a spa treatment on him sometimes. I mix brown sugar and olive oil to make a skin-softening scrub. I use oatmeal to draw out impurities. He enjoys a home-made sauna in the bathroom. I give a full massage with his favorite lotion. Our son gets to participate in parts of it (the clothed parts!). He sees us communicating non-verbally. He sees his mother helping. He also loves to rub Daddy’s feet and hands!

I don’t really know what this husband of mine needs or wants. It seems it is all the same to him. He could leave it or take it. He asks for little. He declines many of my offers to help and doesn’t answer questions. This goes on for years and years.

I feel like a useless appendage. I don’t want to push my agenda, but he did seem to enjoy his spa. And Mr. Buttons is witness to affection and healing service.

Ciao for now.

Can I Get a Smile, Baby? You’re Too Pretty to Look Sad

It’s Sunday and it feels a little like spring. I took a nice walk and I have some delicious coffee.

Im going to clean my son’s room today. He is so happy when it’s clean, but he struggles to keep it that way. It’s kind of a daily habit he hasn’t developed yet. I help him break it down into pieces when we do chores: first, put all clothing where it belongs. Then, put books away. Clean up the video game/movie area. Straighten your bed. Get food and dishes to the kitchen. Pull everything out of your closet and reorganize it and more stuff will fit in there. The only reason I can even do this is because my husband’s family is super clean and I have worked enough with them that I learned. They have come over and helped me until I caught on.

Cleaning can be an overwhelming task. I myself grew up in a family that lived in utter filth. I just don’t wanna do that to my family. A clean environment feels so nice.

Then there’s the respect thing. We are sharing a space, and you can piss your roommates off pretty quick by being a slob.

Is the family home the new place to have no respect, to let it all hang out, and to stubbornly ignore the needs and preferences of those who live there?

I don’t even know what my job is. I could seriously work here about 2-4 hours a day and it would look great all the time and my efforts would never compare to the 60+ hours my husband now works outside the home.

I still don’t think that means I am a worthless creature. The invisible labor I perform, the kind that that is intangible, is labor women have done for generations. Emotional labor. Connection. Empathy. Understanding. Endurance and strength training so that a family can come together and each person feel heard and understood. This is unpaid and undervalued labor, and it is TIRING. And sometimes I feel like I have parasites hanging off me who DON’T CARE HOW I REALLY FEEL.