Tag Archives: marriage

The Whipping Girl

I have heard fundamentalist Christians refer to something called “the Jezebel spirit.”. One time I read a comment on a Nicki Minaj YouTube video in which a man claimed she had a “Jezebel spirit.”. Growing up as a Southern Baptist, I’m accustomed to men using such shaming tactics to scare women and to keep us from ever questioning them or their supposedly divine right to rule.

I don’t believe in “spirits” in this manner. I do think, though, that the bible provides examples we shouldn’t follow. I think it’s time men stopped this petulant finger-pointing and took a look at themselves, starting with men of the bible who set bad examples.

If there is a “Jezebel spirit”, then most certainly there is a “Cain spirit” and a “Lamech spirit” and a “Judah spirit”. Judging by the behavior of men today, they haven’t changed much since Lamech and Judah lived.

Have a look at Lamech. Arrogant, boastful, violent, a bully in need of a feminine audience for his bragging. A murderer and driven by lust and ambition. What would I do if I were married to a man like that? What could I do? He was obviously not a loving, patient, compassionate man.

Judah raised wicked sons whom God killed. He had contempt for his daughter-in-law, Tamar, and disobeyed God and withheld from her his son Shelah. He lied to her, passive-aggressively promising what he knew he would not deliver. And he felt comfortable visiting a prostitute, and had no righteous friends to direct him to the right path in his behavior. Love does not dishonor others, and love demands that we hold one another accountable.

Men today are the same. They don’t hold each other accountable. They don’t treat their wives as coheirs to the throne of grace. They resist being questioned and do not care how they affect their families. They are ruled by lust and pride, but refuse to admit and repent of such things.

My husband is is impatient and vindictive when his pride is wounded, even though “love is not proud” and he says he is a Christian. My husband relies on sexual release as his sovereign right instead of relying on God. In place of tenderly loving us, listening to us, and being honest about his intentions and feelings, he stonewalls and ignores us and behaves much like Lamech and Judah. He behaves as though his law is higher than God’s and as though I am not worth being honored. He is patronizing and condescending, and I find it painful.

What would Lamech have accomplished if he had used his masculine energy to patiently teach other boys and men? What good could he have accomplished if he had been tender-hearted? How would Judah’s sons have responded if their father had sided with God for Tamar? God does not hold women in contempt. He designed us and placed us here, and we have a purpose to fulfill.

It is painful when my ego is wounded. I am embarrassed when people disrespect me. I want to be heard. I hate when I do wrong and God convicts me of it. It is hard to live up to my word. I have been blessed to have men force me to deal with these things. I have been blessed to have my shortcomings constantly pointed out. I have yearned for praise, even knowing that is a wrong desire. I believe it is time men turned the whip of exhortation on themselves and each other, because this whipping girl is fucking worn out.

 

 

 

 

 

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Toothless Breaks Free and Challenges the Alpha… Or, Fuck the Patriarchy

Tonight we saw HTTYD2. Fantastic. Hit me right in the feels. The villain, per usual, gained his minions (a word that now actually has positive connotations because DM) and army through intimidation and abuse. Kinda like marriage nowadays.

Does the average husband even care if his wife truly trusts and believes in him? Does the average husband care about anything beyond her surface behavior? My husband really isn’t interested in how he affects me. He doesn’t want to hear how I feel. Anything I say or do can quickly be interpreted as an attack or a judgment on him. I find myself faking it a lot.

Yes, faking it. I can feel scared or uncertain, but he doesn’t want to hear that. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I prevent his pride from suffering, cause him minimal discomfort, and take it easy on his poor sense of self. If I tell him I feel threatened, he says it’s like I’m telling him there’s something “wrong” with him. 

So I fake like I’m happy when I’m not. I’m sit with uncomfortable feelings and ask fewer questions and communicate less because I never know what innocuous thing might send him into a hateful pout. 

Would it matter to you if your wife truly enjoyed you? Or do you purchase her gratifying behavior through a series of calculated manipulations to keep her off-balance, afraid, frustrated, insecure? Is she your mindless, dutiful minion, unable to be herself because parts of who she is threaten you? 

I am not “mindless” about it, but it seems like a ridiculous way to go through life. I basically figure out how to keep from upsetting him anymore and ignore him when he pouts and avoid caring about anything much. This way, very little can be used against me. He still tries to blame me for his own difficulties.

Does my husband live with this kind of unease? He doesn’t seem concerned about upsetting me; he rather likes to anger me. He doesn’t seem to be vulnerable to worrying if I’m displeased with him or if he should modify any behaviors to contribute to harmony at home. 

I do think he’s faking it. I think his behaviors are a facade to prevent any kind of vulnerability or emotional intimacy from happening. I think that’s what threatens him. He prefers control. And while he’s no Bloodfist, I must confess that I’m highly disappointed that he has neither the courage nor the desire to earn my loyalty. Whether I am true means nothing to him. 

I cannot be continually dismissed, shut out, leered at, lied to, toyed with, scorned, blamed, and teased and present a very convincing act. Act as if I enjoy being devalued? No. The most I can do is not murder anyone.

Sorry I Behaved Like a Cold-Hearted Douchebag

That Pay It Forward movie is good. Helen Hunt always kicks ass.

So, anyway, the DH pouts. Constantly. I’m always worried about offending him and what revenge he will take. Usually he just ignores me for a while. I finally don’t care, which is progress. But what the heck kinda marriage is this? It’s like the impasse of poisoned-wine drinking on The Princess Bride. I mean, if he needs to tell me something, I wish he’d just spit it out. He’s LOADED with resentment. I must be a huge pain in the ass, but he can’t just break it to me.

I really think if he’d just talk, maybe share some emotions, he could get past it, maybe feel better. Maybe just tell me what he SEEMS to be saying – that I’m a pain in the ass. I could handle that better than the pouting.

I hate marriage and I don’t recommend it, especially if you are a passive aggressive male. If you like to pout, please don’t breed.

 

Do It For the Vine

Y’all. I forgot how difficult it is to build anything with snow. I’m so exhausted! Mr. Buttons and I constructed a wall a foot tall and four feet long.

There’s an electric bill attached to our front door with a magnet. It belongs to our neighbor and it’s been there for three days. My husband got it out of our mailbox, and he has walked it over to the neighbor’s house three times but she’s not been home. He won’t put it in her mailbox because he says that would be a federal offense. I’m happy with myself for giving him space to solve a problem. He loathes confrontation, and it seems to me that it’s not very important to him that she gets her bill.

This is an important incident. It’s important to me. I have learned to stay in my own space, figuratively and literally. I can imagine my husband’s parents stepping in and taking care of the problem. They took care of everything. His mom always took the trash out for him because he would “forget”. She seems like one of those moms who doesn’t think any woman could love her son right or work hard enough to take care of everything and over function and fix everything and anticipate needs and read minds and figure everything out and deliver it on a silver platter. I have never yet met a mom who has expressed any concern about whether or not her son is loving his wife, making good decisions, and setting a good example for his children. I know of no such women. They must exist SOMEwhere…

Oh. I do know one. Me. But Mr. Buttons isn’t married yet. He better put his wife first and care about her needs and perspectives and experiences. I mean, if you’re already married, you might as well, right? And if you’re not married, it is better to stay single and serve God.

My Motto Is This: God Gives Good Gifts

Yes, I read the Bible. And if you’re following my blog, you’ll be at least as disappointed and/or pissed off as I am about following Jesus.

What the heck

Was up with Lamech?

“Adah and Zillah, hear my voice; listen to me, you wives of Lamech. I have killed a man who attacked me, a young man who wounded me. If Cain is avenged seven times, then Lamech seventy-seven times.”

Later, God commands His people not to murder. He also decrees the “eye-for-an-eye” justice system.

I wish God would establish some rules for my home. Even when my husband and I agree on a rule, declare it, and begin to enforce it, it never lasts. He usually forgets, is too tired, or changes his mind. One time, he and I decided to take a month off from electronics and I said, “Screw this,” a day later and started iFunnying like a madwoman.

If the members of a family are reasonably motivated and devoted to one another, do we need family rules? I don’t mean the unspoken ones (Daddy grouses about someone’s using his towel) or the requests (could you please close the shower curtain? Ensuring it will be left open even more often). I mean like sitting down and choosing just a few rules together to make this tiny community we call Our Family a little safer and more dependable.

Thou shalt clean thy own mess.

Thou shalt convene at dinner time and share about thy day.

Thou shalt take good care of thyself because thou art important to us.

I don’t know how Adah and Zillah responded to Lamech (besides having more babies). My own husband doesn’t like my ideas for our family and refuses to communicate important information to me. I don’t pursue these things anymore. I ask fewer questions. I wait for him to tell me why there’s a giant wooden spool in the backyard. I don’t remind him of his mother’s birthday or our anniversary or that we agreed 9:30 is the kid’s optimal bedtime. 

I hate him. I resent him. I feel like a bit-player in my own life. He makes the decisions and meets my input with either silence or defiance. I’m too old and tired to be having any more babies. Obviously Adah and Zillah couldn’t love their offspring into better people.

But it sure would be nice to have a few rules. Maybe a family war-cry. Maybe a chore-chart. Maybe at least a written statement of the truth: I’m a slave.