Tag Archives: passive aggression

The Whipping Girl

I have heard fundamentalist Christians refer to something called “the Jezebel spirit.”. One time I read a comment on a Nicki Minaj YouTube video in which a man claimed she had a “Jezebel spirit.”. Growing up as a Southern Baptist, I’m accustomed to men using such shaming tactics to scare women and to keep us from ever questioning them or their supposedly divine right to rule.

I don’t believe in “spirits” in this manner. I do think, though, that the bible provides examples we shouldn’t follow. I think it’s time men stopped this petulant finger-pointing and took a look at themselves, starting with men of the bible who set bad examples.

If there is a “Jezebel spirit”, then most certainly there is a “Cain spirit” and a “Lamech spirit” and a “Judah spirit”. Judging by the behavior of men today, they haven’t changed much since Lamech and Judah lived.

Have a look at Lamech. Arrogant, boastful, violent, a bully in need of a feminine audience for his bragging. A murderer and driven by lust and ambition. What would I do if I were married to a man like that? What could I do? He was obviously not a loving, patient, compassionate man.

Judah raised wicked sons whom God killed. He had contempt for his daughter-in-law, Tamar, and disobeyed God and withheld from her his son Shelah. He lied to her, passive-aggressively promising what he knew he would not deliver. And he felt comfortable visiting a prostitute, and had no righteous friends to direct him to the right path in his behavior. Love does not dishonor others, and love demands that we hold one another accountable.

Men today are the same. They don’t hold each other accountable. They don’t treat their wives as coheirs to the throne of grace. They resist being questioned and do not care how they affect their families. They are ruled by lust and pride, but refuse to admit and repent of such things.

My husband is is impatient and vindictive when his pride is wounded, even though “love is not proud” and he says he is a Christian. My husband relies on sexual release as his sovereign right instead of relying on God. In place of tenderly loving us, listening to us, and being honest about his intentions and feelings, he stonewalls and ignores us and behaves much like Lamech and Judah. He behaves as though his law is higher than God’s and as though I am not worth being honored. He is patronizing and condescending, and I find it painful.

What would Lamech have accomplished if he had used his masculine energy to patiently teach other boys and men? What good could he have accomplished if he had been tender-hearted? How would Judah’s sons have responded if their father had sided with God for Tamar? God does not hold women in contempt. He designed us and placed us here, and we have a purpose to fulfill.

It is painful when my ego is wounded. I am embarrassed when people disrespect me. I want to be heard. I hate when I do wrong and God convicts me of it. It is hard to live up to my word. I have been blessed to have men force me to deal with these things. I have been blessed to have my shortcomings constantly pointed out. I have yearned for praise, even knowing that is a wrong desire. I believe it is time men turned the whip of exhortation on themselves and each other, because this whipping girl is fucking worn out.

 

 

 

 

 

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Made to Worship

Here it is June 2014 and I still fear my husband’s unkindness. His entitlement. His pouting. His lies and manipulation. To top it off, I just read a blog entry by a woman whose father severely sexually abused her, and she hates her mom for it and is worried about how her rapist is coping. 

My desire to placate the implacable and to accept the unacceptable in men recently died. When I read stories about women who cater to their abusers, and when I meet women who are unkind to other women but who feel sorry for fathers who disgustingly use their own small daughters, I lose hope that Christ can ever help us. 

What is it that men do to us that keeps us coming back for more abuse, while we abandon ourselves and our sisters and mothers and friends? I don’t care if my abusers can cope. I don’t want a relationship with a relative who used me for sex. Every time I even remotely harm a man’s perception of himself, I receive a punishment that far outweighs the crime.

Things that hurt men:

Being held accountable

Not being catered to

Not being the center of attention

Not being instantly trusted

Being asked to consider my perspective

Being asked to respect my boundaries

Finding that their unkindness displeases me

Hearing about my experiences of abuse from men

 

Things that harm me:

The knowledge that my needs don’t matter

Knowing that if I were drunk, my husband would “take” whatever sexual pleasure he wants from me

Being treated badly by male strangers who feel entitled to my time and attention

Being overlooked and dismissed and being called a bitch if it even remotely bothers me

Dwelling too much on the negative 😜

 

So, yeah. I had a man recently treat me with kindness and gentleness that seemed genuine and not calculated to get an ego stroke, make me look bad, or lure me into his bedroom. I know this is why women followed Jesus everywhere; this is why I cling to Christ. He obeys God’s commands and He treats me as a precious and beloved daughter.

That man who was kind – I was ready to wash his feet with my tears, and he isn’t even Christ!

Peace out

Toothless Breaks Free and Challenges the Alpha… Or, Fuck the Patriarchy

Tonight we saw HTTYD2. Fantastic. Hit me right in the feels. The villain, per usual, gained his minions (a word that now actually has positive connotations because DM) and army through intimidation and abuse. Kinda like marriage nowadays.

Does the average husband even care if his wife truly trusts and believes in him? Does the average husband care about anything beyond her surface behavior? My husband really isn’t interested in how he affects me. He doesn’t want to hear how I feel. Anything I say or do can quickly be interpreted as an attack or a judgment on him. I find myself faking it a lot.

Yes, faking it. I can feel scared or uncertain, but he doesn’t want to hear that. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I prevent his pride from suffering, cause him minimal discomfort, and take it easy on his poor sense of self. If I tell him I feel threatened, he says it’s like I’m telling him there’s something “wrong” with him. 

So I fake like I’m happy when I’m not. I’m sit with uncomfortable feelings and ask fewer questions and communicate less because I never know what innocuous thing might send him into a hateful pout. 

Would it matter to you if your wife truly enjoyed you? Or do you purchase her gratifying behavior through a series of calculated manipulations to keep her off-balance, afraid, frustrated, insecure? Is she your mindless, dutiful minion, unable to be herself because parts of who she is threaten you? 

I am not “mindless” about it, but it seems like a ridiculous way to go through life. I basically figure out how to keep from upsetting him anymore and ignore him when he pouts and avoid caring about anything much. This way, very little can be used against me. He still tries to blame me for his own difficulties.

Does my husband live with this kind of unease? He doesn’t seem concerned about upsetting me; he rather likes to anger me. He doesn’t seem to be vulnerable to worrying if I’m displeased with him or if he should modify any behaviors to contribute to harmony at home. 

I do think he’s faking it. I think his behaviors are a facade to prevent any kind of vulnerability or emotional intimacy from happening. I think that’s what threatens him. He prefers control. And while he’s no Bloodfist, I must confess that I’m highly disappointed that he has neither the courage nor the desire to earn my loyalty. Whether I am true means nothing to him. 

I cannot be continually dismissed, shut out, leered at, lied to, toyed with, scorned, blamed, and teased and present a very convincing act. Act as if I enjoy being devalued? No. The most I can do is not murder anyone.

Do You Have a License For That Brain?

I tried to pass a piece of advice along to my husband. The way he sometimes does to me. The way this works is that I listen to his perspective, sum it up, and store it away for future reference. Because I respect and value my husband and I know I sometimes need an outside view point.

He doesn’t tend to receive mine well. It’s almost as though he thinks I’m stupid, inept, couldn’t possibly be of any help, and cannot be worthy of respect. As though I were the enemy. What on earth made him choose to share a life with me and conceive and raise a child with me?

His problem today was that Mr. Buttons wanted attention and was starting to be a bit naughty because the child doesn’t know yet how to ask for attention. So I told my husband what was going on. They went outside to trim bushes. The husband overloaded the child with micromanaging instructions and neglected to encourage the child. They fought, and the husband came inside angry. After a little while, I suggested to the husband that he simply encourage the kid to try and praise him and not worry about how the bush turns out. Husband began to argue; I said I didn’t come out here to argue. I’m simply offering you advice the same way you help me sometimes. Husband was pouty and seemed to want to show off how good he was with the clippers. 

I believe God’s giving us the ability to conceive and raise children is not taken seriously enough. People argue about gun-control and abortion, but the greatest weapon of all is a brain.

Such a Time as This, Little Piggies

There’s a movie called About Time. It has Rachel McAdams (a superb actor) and Domhnall Gleeson (also superb). It has been a blessing of a movie to my family. Not that we let Mr. Buttons view it, but he has been indirectly blessed.

Things are slowly improving. My husband and I are revisiting old issues. God is introducing me to wonderful tools. Pride is dying its death stubbornly. 

I’m not stupid. And I won’t apologize for having feelings or for noticing the sullen pouting, the stiff pride, and the dissembling that is used against me. What’s the point in being married if we cannot be friends? Why would any man take a wife is she is to be treated as the enemy? An enemy appliance expected to perform duties sans emotion, passively, lifelessly, and pounded when her buttons are worn out. 

Where on earth is all this shoddy family programming coming from?

Well, the last week has been pleasant. Yard work, playing with the kid, reading the parts of Hermia and Theseus out loud at the table. Pretty good stuff. And the riddle of passive aggression everywhere, people who feed on your guilt, who excel at subterfuge and lying, and who have no idea what it means to feel and be vulnerable and empathetic. More a riddle than a trial lately, maybe.

Sorry I Behaved Like a Cold-Hearted Douchebag

That Pay It Forward movie is good. Helen Hunt always kicks ass.

So, anyway, the DH pouts. Constantly. I’m always worried about offending him and what revenge he will take. Usually he just ignores me for a while. I finally don’t care, which is progress. But what the heck kinda marriage is this? It’s like the impasse of poisoned-wine drinking on The Princess Bride. I mean, if he needs to tell me something, I wish he’d just spit it out. He’s LOADED with resentment. I must be a huge pain in the ass, but he can’t just break it to me.

I really think if he’d just talk, maybe share some emotions, he could get past it, maybe feel better. Maybe just tell me what he SEEMS to be saying – that I’m a pain in the ass. I could handle that better than the pouting.

I hate marriage and I don’t recommend it, especially if you are a passive aggressive male. If you like to pout, please don’t breed.

 

Your Father Needs You to Respect Him

I hate to do this, but I can’t see any other way. I watch my 9-year-old run over his father daily. My husband won’t stand up for himself. He never seems hurt or angry; he just takes whatever our selfish, headstrong son dishes out. I’m going to have to tell my son that his father will not ever be able to make and enforce rules, will not be able to connect emotionally, is just tired and broken and disengaged. Putting that so a child can understand? Telling a child he will have to choose to treat his own father better because his father will never ask for it?

My husband gives the kid everything he wants. If our son is upset or whiny, my husband disengages and withdraws. Our son pushes him around as though he were the lord of this house and my husband an indentured servant. I cannot hold this family together. I cannot convince my husband to take an interest.

Wish me luck. I am mature enough to behave respectfully and not run over a weak man; but a 9-year-old needs advice.