Watching and Waiting for the Next Attack

My husband’s entire family is passive aggressive. I can tell when he has had contact with them because he comes home very sad. He seems to be in a daze and has difficulty understanding speech and behavior. He also seems angry and hostile and as though he has a desperate need to piss someone off by being clueless and saccharin.

To me, passive aggression is mainly a pattern of behavior resulting from a lack of insight into one’s own emotions, and especially a squelching of anger that has become habitual. The passive aggressive expresses anger through revenge only. That’s why it is hard to be married to a PA. A PA will sabotage the entire crew and let the ship go down simply because he does not address his own disappointments and anger and sadness.

Was Adam passive aggressive in the garden of Eden? He seems so. He does a good job of passing the buck to God, and has refused to love women ever since. I think we have paid the price by now, though, and all you Adams could try loving us instead of continuing to exact revenge.

Hung for a Lamb?

Hello.  I’m writing again here in my online journal. I’ve been reading a bit, articles by MRAs and men who seem to ruthlessly hate and blame women for all evil and for men’s evil in particular. They seem so very interested in controlling women and in shaming them, even while they themselves sound threatening and despicable.

So here’s a question:

If you knew there were a person headed out to rob a store and make off with the money, and you also knew of another person in another area planning to carry out a rape and murder of a child, but you could ONLY STOP ONE OF THEM, which one would you put your efforts toward stopping?

MRAs focus on money, status, respect, and keeping their subordinates subordinated. They ignore the serious crimes of patriarchal masculinity, even excusing them. It’s irrational; it’s baffling; it’s a testament to their evil nature and the power they have to degrade the very persons whom they are supposed to protect.

As long as they make the rules, murder and sexual violence will always be the order of the day.

 

The Whipping Girl

I have heard fundamentalist Christians refer to something called “the Jezebel spirit.”. One time I read a comment on a Nicki Minaj YouTube video in which a man claimed she had a “Jezebel spirit.”. Growing up as a Southern Baptist, I’m accustomed to men using such shaming tactics to scare women and to keep us from ever questioning them or their supposedly divine right to rule.

I don’t believe in “spirits” in this manner. I do think, though, that the bible provides examples we shouldn’t follow. I think it’s time men stopped this petulant finger-pointing and took a look at themselves, starting with men of the bible who set bad examples.

If there is a “Jezebel spirit”, then most certainly there is a “Cain spirit” and a “Lamech spirit” and a “Judah spirit”. Judging by the behavior of men today, they haven’t changed much since Lamech and Judah lived.

Have a look at Lamech. Arrogant, boastful, violent, a bully in need of a feminine audience for his bragging. A murderer and driven by lust and ambition. What would I do if I were married to a man like that? What could I do? He was obviously not a loving, patient, compassionate man.

Judah raised wicked sons whom God killed. He had contempt for his daughter-in-law, Tamar, and disobeyed God and withheld from her his son Shelah. He lied to her, passive-aggressively promising what he knew he would not deliver. And he felt comfortable visiting a prostitute, and had no righteous friends to direct him to the right path in his behavior. Love does not dishonor others, and love demands that we hold one another accountable.

Men today are the same. They don’t hold each other accountable. They don’t treat their wives as coheirs to the throne of grace. They resist being questioned and do not care how they affect their families. They are ruled by lust and pride, but refuse to admit and repent of such things.

My husband is is impatient and vindictive when his pride is wounded, even though “love is not proud” and he says he is a Christian. My husband relies on sexual release as his sovereign right instead of relying on God. In place of tenderly loving us, listening to us, and being honest about his intentions and feelings, he stonewalls and ignores us and behaves much like Lamech and Judah. He behaves as though his law is higher than God’s and as though I am not worth being honored. He is patronizing and condescending, and I find it painful.

What would Lamech have accomplished if he had used his masculine energy to patiently teach other boys and men? What good could he have accomplished if he had been tender-hearted? How would Judah’s sons have responded if their father had sided with God for Tamar? God does not hold women in contempt. He designed us and placed us here, and we have a purpose to fulfill.

It is painful when my ego is wounded. I am embarrassed when people disrespect me. I want to be heard. I hate when I do wrong and God convicts me of it. It is hard to live up to my word. I have been blessed to have men force me to deal with these things. I have been blessed to have my shortcomings constantly pointed out. I have yearned for praise, even knowing that is a wrong desire. I believe it is time men turned the whip of exhortation on themselves and each other, because this whipping girl is fucking worn out.

 

 

 

 

 

God Slays, But You Blame the Pussy

I keep reading the Bible. Started with Genesis recently, where there are two instances of men hiding their sin: naked Adam and murdering Cain. Instead of seeking God, both run away. When faced with the ultimate authority, neither one confesses, asks forgiveness, and repents. 

Where is Abel? Am I my brother’s keeper? That tactic of avoidance is one I am accustomed to being dismissed with. I’m also used to the one Adam used: Well, you she started it! I would have behaved with integrity but someone else prevented me!

And Judah. Judah who raised wicked sons. Judah who lived in a culture that was ok with prostitution. Judah who felt like screwing some “harlot” by the wayside (who by the way had covered herself with a veil) but was ready to burn Tamar when someone told him she had also been fornicating. 

The Bible is full of examples of men so busy betraying women and holding women to a higher moral standard that these men never stop and look at themselves. As a man, you should really ask yourself, “Am I like Cain? Am I haughty like Lamech, a polygamous bully? Am I deceitful and whorish like Judah? Would I send my own daughters out to a rapey crowd like Lot?” The truth is, these men did wrong and we suffer today for it.

Men continue to opt out of holding one another accountable. And instead of loving women, they use and destroy them. And have no mercy. God always shows mercy, but men do not. Men behave as though they were above God’s law.

Fear Not, For I Am With You

Fear. I wonder how many others out there fear their spouse? I finally don’t feel intimidated most of the time. I finally feel detached and I look at my husband and I see a bewildered, angry person. A bewildered, angry, easily-offended person who, instead of discussing things, chooses stonewalling and petty acts of revenge when I offend him.

I have feared him, as I fear all men, our entire marriage. I know how to act: fake an interest, cater to men, ignore their abuse, walk on eggshells. Don’t bother them with my emotions, nor have a thought/opinion of my own. Don’t expect them to listen to me. I have felt fear and guilt my entire marriage. I have spent years apologizing, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and being afraid of the chaos his spite creates.

And today, I looked at him and saw a very unkind man. Standing in front of me was simply a man incapable of being kind to me. And I don’t care because it’s not my problem.

I don’t want him to control and manipulate me anymore. I don’t want to be afraid. Afraid always of his displeasure, his double standards, his hypocrisy. Afraid of his punitive behavior, his contempt, his sneering, his lies and inability to avoid hard core porn.

So, that’s who I married. I agreed to marry a dishonest, resentful, bitter, unforgiving man. And I don’t care anymore. His unkindness is his problem and I owe him nothing. I owe myself love and the exercise of forgiving and the act of letting go. I owe that to me. I owe myself this detachment and this objective look at his unkindness, his impatience, his intimidation tactics, and his lies.

How did men get this bad? Prideful, murderous, and blaming from the beginning. Hard hearted, greedy, and lustful. Impassive, hateful, and ungodly. Not a single one follows Jesus’s example. Not one. We are “overruled” by toddlers. They are selfish, abusive toddlers whose only desire is self-gratification thinly veneered with “a good work ethic” and “a nice image.” It is an illusion best not questioned, because to question a man is to invite abuse. Might as well ask a toddler why he isn’t driving a car yet. He doesn’t know and doesn’t care. And if you try to show him how, he will be very frustrated. However, he wants you to be immensely and eternally satisfied with his block towers, tantrums, and neediness. A wife’s needs, like those of a toddler’s mother, do not enter his mind.

I do hate the pettiness and I am disappointed in myself for marrying him. I hope he can rest well and eat healthy and relax when not at work. I myself plan to go on about my business, less scared and freer to admit to my husband YOUR UNKINDNESS IS NOT MY PROBLEM. YOUR PETTY REVENGE IS PATHETIC. I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING, YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE. Cuz I don’t care and nothing is important to me anymore. Nothing matters. I don’t need anything and I don’t feel afraid. I don’t care if he wrecks our car while driving, if he continually does stuff to irritate me, or if he spends his life whacking off to porn and never setting dignified boundaries for our child. I can’t control it and I’m not responsible for his behavior.

Wonder where this holy matrimony will lead? I’m curious. It could get worse or better. It could stay the same, but in different ways. It’s very interesting. Jinkies!

Third Wheelin’ (maybe fourth)

I am married to at least 2 people. I did not agree to this; I would prefer to be monogamous. I have for spouse #1 a man, who has abandonment issues, struggles with shame, an inability to tell the truth, and a sweet heart. Spouse #2 is His Pride, an invisible entity who is easily provoked, impatient, hypersensitive, and determined to emotionally destroy me. I’m pretty sure the third spouse is Lust, who makes sure my husband never sees me as a human being and coheir to the throne of grace.

Everywhere I accompany these “spouses” I feel left out, like a third wheel. They take precedence over my needs, are oblivious to my feelings, and have important things to do to maintain their “image.”

Pride tells my husband not to communicate. Not to share or be vulnerable. Pride convinces him he can lie to me and cavalierly deny it and lash out at me if he’s caught. Pride tells him he doesn’t have to take me seriously, and that he’s not responsible for protecting me when I face cruelty from people around us. Every day, my husband and Pride get up together, go to work, and come home. Together, they are always right and I am wrong.

Lust seems to tell my husband he has every right to use me for his pleasure. Or to use porn. Pride tells him it’s his business and he can lash out about it if questioned or whine that he doesn’t feel “wanted” so he must watch others FORNICATE.

Anyway, I married a man, his pride, and his lust. This is a crowded house. Still trying to figure out how to keep from being destroyed.

Please Water My Valley With Good Morals and Unselfishness

How Green Was My Valley by Richard Llewellyn is a book that is his autobiography. The story opens when he is grown and is leaving the desiccated and blackened valley, but I get to witness “Huw”‘s childhood, suffering through physical infirmity, and the rise of industrialization and capitalism in a Welsh town.

A coal mine is where most of the men in the town work to earn money. There are other occupations, like baker, smith, and minister at chapel. Then there are unpaid occupations like being born a woman. When the men of the mines face unfair wage cuts and intolerable working conditions, they form a union and go on strike. When the women work for free and rarely get to sit down and are treated disrespectfully and capriciously by selfish, fickle men, they do not form a union. A few go on strike, but they are just called lazy and one of them suicides.

Huw’s father calls unions “socialism” and advises his sons to turn to God instead of strong-arming their employers. His sons disagree and go their own way. They have some success financially and assuage their pride.

The women, like Huw’s mother and sisters, work tirelessly to be hospitable, clean, married, patient, fecund, and faithful. They often face disrespect, abandonment, tragedy, disregard, judgment, and punishment in their community. When any one woman makes a mistake or does not perform these tasks properly, the gavel falls firmly against her. And still they do not form unions and go on strike!

Huw himself has little regard for sound moral instruction and chooses fornication and chooses to denigrate the occupation of fatherhood rather than practice self-control.

And so Marged burns, the valley is buried under slag, and Huw packs his belongings in his mother’s precious head covering.

Llewellyn is a poet, and his book is like a song and like a dance with many dramatic parts and funny and tragic lessons. I learned from him that I am often blind. 

Made to Worship

Here it is June 2014 and I still fear my husband’s unkindness. His entitlement. His pouting. His lies and manipulation. To top it off, I just read a blog entry by a woman whose father severely sexually abused her, and she hates her mom for it and is worried about how her rapist is coping. 

My desire to placate the implacable and to accept the unacceptable in men recently died. When I read stories about women who cater to their abusers, and when I meet women who are unkind to other women but who feel sorry for fathers who disgustingly use their own small daughters, I lose hope that Christ can ever help us. 

What is it that men do to us that keeps us coming back for more abuse, while we abandon ourselves and our sisters and mothers and friends? I don’t care if my abusers can cope. I don’t want a relationship with a relative who used me for sex. Every time I even remotely harm a man’s perception of himself, I receive a punishment that far outweighs the crime.

Things that hurt men:

Being held accountable

Not being catered to

Not being the center of attention

Not being instantly trusted

Being asked to consider my perspective

Being asked to respect my boundaries

Finding that their unkindness displeases me

Hearing about my experiences of abuse from men

 

Things that harm me:

The knowledge that my needs don’t matter

Knowing that if I were drunk, my husband would “take” whatever sexual pleasure he wants from me

Being treated badly by male strangers who feel entitled to my time and attention

Being overlooked and dismissed and being called a bitch if it even remotely bothers me

Dwelling too much on the negative 😜

 

So, yeah. I had a man recently treat me with kindness and gentleness that seemed genuine and not calculated to get an ego stroke, make me look bad, or lure me into his bedroom. I know this is why women followed Jesus everywhere; this is why I cling to Christ. He obeys God’s commands and He treats me as a precious and beloved daughter.

That man who was kind – I was ready to wash his feet with my tears, and he isn’t even Christ!

Peace out

Toothless Breaks Free and Challenges the Alpha… Or, Fuck the Patriarchy

Tonight we saw HTTYD2. Fantastic. Hit me right in the feels. The villain, per usual, gained his minions (a word that now actually has positive connotations because DM) and army through intimidation and abuse. Kinda like marriage nowadays.

Does the average husband even care if his wife truly trusts and believes in him? Does the average husband care about anything beyond her surface behavior? My husband really isn’t interested in how he affects me. He doesn’t want to hear how I feel. Anything I say or do can quickly be interpreted as an attack or a judgment on him. I find myself faking it a lot.

Yes, faking it. I can feel scared or uncertain, but he doesn’t want to hear that. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I prevent his pride from suffering, cause him minimal discomfort, and take it easy on his poor sense of self. If I tell him I feel threatened, he says it’s like I’m telling him there’s something “wrong” with him. 

So I fake like I’m happy when I’m not. I’m sit with uncomfortable feelings and ask fewer questions and communicate less because I never know what innocuous thing might send him into a hateful pout. 

Would it matter to you if your wife truly enjoyed you? Or do you purchase her gratifying behavior through a series of calculated manipulations to keep her off-balance, afraid, frustrated, insecure? Is she your mindless, dutiful minion, unable to be herself because parts of who she is threaten you? 

I am not “mindless” about it, but it seems like a ridiculous way to go through life. I basically figure out how to keep from upsetting him anymore and ignore him when he pouts and avoid caring about anything much. This way, very little can be used against me. He still tries to blame me for his own difficulties.

Does my husband live with this kind of unease? He doesn’t seem concerned about upsetting me; he rather likes to anger me. He doesn’t seem to be vulnerable to worrying if I’m displeased with him or if he should modify any behaviors to contribute to harmony at home. 

I do think he’s faking it. I think his behaviors are a facade to prevent any kind of vulnerability or emotional intimacy from happening. I think that’s what threatens him. He prefers control. And while he’s no Bloodfist, I must confess that I’m highly disappointed that he has neither the courage nor the desire to earn my loyalty. Whether I am true means nothing to him. 

I cannot be continually dismissed, shut out, leered at, lied to, toyed with, scorned, blamed, and teased and present a very convincing act. Act as if I enjoy being devalued? No. The most I can do is not murder anyone.

Do You Have a License For That Brain?

I tried to pass a piece of advice along to my husband. The way he sometimes does to me. The way this works is that I listen to his perspective, sum it up, and store it away for future reference. Because I respect and value my husband and I know I sometimes need an outside view point.

He doesn’t tend to receive mine well. It’s almost as though he thinks I’m stupid, inept, couldn’t possibly be of any help, and cannot be worthy of respect. As though I were the enemy. What on earth made him choose to share a life with me and conceive and raise a child with me?

His problem today was that Mr. Buttons wanted attention and was starting to be a bit naughty because the child doesn’t know yet how to ask for attention. So I told my husband what was going on. They went outside to trim bushes. The husband overloaded the child with micromanaging instructions and neglected to encourage the child. They fought, and the husband came inside angry. After a little while, I suggested to the husband that he simply encourage the kid to try and praise him and not worry about how the bush turns out. Husband began to argue; I said I didn’t come out here to argue. I’m simply offering you advice the same way you help me sometimes. Husband was pouty and seemed to want to show off how good he was with the clippers. 

I believe God’s giving us the ability to conceive and raise children is not taken seriously enough. People argue about gun-control and abortion, but the greatest weapon of all is a brain.